Helping
Today I talked to someone new. That might not seem like a big deal to other people, but I have a crippling fear (not to mention mistrust, and also dislike) of other people. So it was a big step for me.
Of course occasionally I have to talk to someone new -- at the grocery store, or through work, the Starbucks barista, or in situations like that. But this time I actually approached someone new and struck up a conversation with them.
It didn't go well.
Maybe my mistake was to approach someone in the bright sunshine of the day, out in the wild. It seems like the only place you're supposed to do this is in the dark, at night, in a seedy bar or nightclub.
I was in the park, on a lunch break. I had already eaten, so I was flipping through Facebook on my phone and kind of watching the general world around me. I like to watch other people going about their daily lives, and try to make up stories about them -- who they are, where they're going, who they're talking to. Some folks are easier to read than others. I like to go deep, though, and try to go for an unexpected backstory for these NPC's. For example, if you see a guy in a sharp suit and carrying a briefcase, you might think "stockbroker" or "lawyer" or some similar scumbag profession, and you might think "harrasses his admin assistant" and "beats his wife" and "chokes his wife during sex, tells her it's because it’s the only way he can get off, but in reality he's just a big fucking bully who likes choking women" -- anyone can come up with easy backstories like that.
Instead, I like to go a less conventional route. So maybe I see a guy in a sharp suit and carrying a briefcase and think, "He's a garbage man, but today he's meeting with the lawyer who's going to handle his custody case, and he wants to look as professional as possible. In the briefcase he's carrying reams and reams of texts from his wife to their best friend's 14-year-old son. They're going to get her this time."
Anyway, today I approached someone new. It was a harried-looking woman pushing a stroller and also carrying a bag of groceries and holding the leash of a little pocket dog -- I don't know what kind of dog, but a small, smooth-haired one. Maybe a chihuahua of some sort, maybe a little French bulldog. Or some kind of terrier. In any case, it wouldn't stop yapping, and was very excited about something.
This woman literally had her hands full and I could see she was about to lose something. So I approached her, and offered to help with the groceries. At least, that's what I thought I was doing -- I was offering to hold the grocery bag for her while she sorted out how she was handling the stroller and the leash and her Starbucks cup and her purse which was falling down off her shoulder.
But I guess I didn't actually say "here, let me help you" or anything, instead I just walked up and grabbed the groceries from her. She didn't like that. Neither did the dog actually. She started yelling at me "Hey, what are you doing?" and instead of saying "Oh, I'm sorry," I responded "I'M HELPING YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!" and she really didn't like that. The dog started snapping at my heels so I kicked it in the face -- in self-defense, I swear, I'm not a monster -- and then the woman REALLY went apeshit on me, hitting me with her purse and screaming for passers-by to call 911 and all this other bullshit, so I threw her groceries to the ground, but I didn't really look where I was throwing them and I ended up hitting her kid in the head with a can of peas (Look, I don't know why anyone would buy canned fucking peas in the first place, that's not my fault, that's her fault).
I didn't see what happened next. I was too busy running.
Of course occasionally I have to talk to someone new -- at the grocery store, or through work, the Starbucks barista, or in situations like that. But this time I actually approached someone new and struck up a conversation with them.
It didn't go well.
Maybe my mistake was to approach someone in the bright sunshine of the day, out in the wild. It seems like the only place you're supposed to do this is in the dark, at night, in a seedy bar or nightclub.
I was in the park, on a lunch break. I had already eaten, so I was flipping through Facebook on my phone and kind of watching the general world around me. I like to watch other people going about their daily lives, and try to make up stories about them -- who they are, where they're going, who they're talking to. Some folks are easier to read than others. I like to go deep, though, and try to go for an unexpected backstory for these NPC's. For example, if you see a guy in a sharp suit and carrying a briefcase, you might think "stockbroker" or "lawyer" or some similar scumbag profession, and you might think "harrasses his admin assistant" and "beats his wife" and "chokes his wife during sex, tells her it's because it’s the only way he can get off, but in reality he's just a big fucking bully who likes choking women" -- anyone can come up with easy backstories like that.
Instead, I like to go a less conventional route. So maybe I see a guy in a sharp suit and carrying a briefcase and think, "He's a garbage man, but today he's meeting with the lawyer who's going to handle his custody case, and he wants to look as professional as possible. In the briefcase he's carrying reams and reams of texts from his wife to their best friend's 14-year-old son. They're going to get her this time."
Anyway, today I approached someone new. It was a harried-looking woman pushing a stroller and also carrying a bag of groceries and holding the leash of a little pocket dog -- I don't know what kind of dog, but a small, smooth-haired one. Maybe a chihuahua of some sort, maybe a little French bulldog. Or some kind of terrier. In any case, it wouldn't stop yapping, and was very excited about something.
This woman literally had her hands full and I could see she was about to lose something. So I approached her, and offered to help with the groceries. At least, that's what I thought I was doing -- I was offering to hold the grocery bag for her while she sorted out how she was handling the stroller and the leash and her Starbucks cup and her purse which was falling down off her shoulder.
But I guess I didn't actually say "here, let me help you" or anything, instead I just walked up and grabbed the groceries from her. She didn't like that. Neither did the dog actually. She started yelling at me "Hey, what are you doing?" and instead of saying "Oh, I'm sorry," I responded "I'M HELPING YOU, YOU STUPID BITCH!" and she really didn't like that. The dog started snapping at my heels so I kicked it in the face -- in self-defense, I swear, I'm not a monster -- and then the woman REALLY went apeshit on me, hitting me with her purse and screaming for passers-by to call 911 and all this other bullshit, so I threw her groceries to the ground, but I didn't really look where I was throwing them and I ended up hitting her kid in the head with a can of peas (Look, I don't know why anyone would buy canned fucking peas in the first place, that's not my fault, that's her fault).
I didn't see what happened next. I was too busy running.
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